Grapevine
by EsotericSpell
Summary: If Shepard can ask total strangers about their personal lives and get away with it usually with a few extra credits to boot , Joker is absolutely allowed to pry into his friends' love lives. Shepard/Joker friendship; background Shenko.


Wave bye-bye to the canon-ending, peoples, because it has no place here. I wrote this back in November around the time of the the initial leak (which did not paint a pretty picture for Kaidan/Ashley), so I would stop moping and also so that I would stop looking at the web page with all of the shiny information on it. It sort of worked.

Anyway, Shepard and Joker needed more friendship moments and Shenko needed to deal with the 'M' word without anyone flying off into Dark Space or just disappearing altogether.

"Word on the grapevine is that Alenko asked you to marry him."

Shepard didn't look up immediately. In fact, she was doing a pretty good rendition of the 'burn a hole into the ground (or, you know, the cocky pilot's forehead) with her eyes' thing Miranda used all-too frequently on the SR-2. Seconds after the outburst, her (freakish, inhuman) senses activated when something invaded her personal bubble and she finally looked up. "Hello to you too, Joker," she replied in a monotone.

"And you said no," Joker continued without acknowledging the interruption in the least. He finished his approach in several wobbly steps and sat down beside Shepard with an audible groan of relief.

Shepard huffed in response, a low, drawn-out breath landing somewhere between I-don't-want-to-talk-about-this and Remember-the-Reapers?-That-was-fun. She leaned forward, elbows resting firmly mid-thigh, bare hands clasped, and head hung. Joker stretched backwards, splaying his arms on the back of bench, head tilted back to enjoy the mechanically-produced warm air.

Shepard finally spoke. "It's all over the news, isn't it? This is exactly the type of crap those gossip vids love: 'Saviour of Galaxy Dumps Spectre Boyfriend'. I'm not going to be able to get anything done for _weeks_."

Joker chuckled lightly. "Don't know about Galaxy Weekly News but I heard it from Kaidan himself."

Shepard pulled herself back into an upright position and threw her gaze backwards to send the pilot a quick glare.

Eyes still averted to the sky, Joker barely caught her reaction but he seemed to guess the response. "I didn't say the grapevine was very long, did I?" he said with just a hint of jest.

Shepard rolled her eyes and brought her hand up to rub her forehead, a movement usually reserved for Joker's more inane comments and basically every word that came out of Udina's mouth. She resisted the urge to respond to that particular tidbit and be caught in a half-hour loop that only ended in frustration. Instead, she asked in a voice more pained than she cared for, "How'd he sound?"

Joker shrugged. "Like a man who asked a woman to marry him and got told no," he responded bluntly but without malice. He caught the grimace that flashed over Shepard's face and added, "Look, I'm not here to rag on you. He called me a couple hours ago. Told me what happened and said you'd taken some menial retrieval mission on the Citadel the second you took the ring off. Asked me to watch out for you. Didn't want you doing anything stupid. 'Course, I said you're _Shepard_—stupid's guaranteed—"

"Thanks."

"—But he sounded worried so I told him I'd look out for you and here I am."

Shepard sighed and screwed her eyes shut tightly for several long seconds. When she opened them again Joker was still staring at her.

"Joker, I don't—"

"None of that, Shepard," Joker cut in briskly, "I watched you two moon over each for months on the SR1, and then I watched him flip his shit in an icy, detached, yet eerily productive manner when you died. I got the Post-Horizon monologue after you _both _caught a lethal case of foot-in-mouth disease and I was there during the constant "Should we or shouldn't we/No, it's been a pleasure working under _you, Major Alenko_/ Good Spectre-Bad Spectre"-ing on the SR2. I know you two, alright? So, why'd you break up with him? If it was just the marriage thing, you know he would have been cool common-lawing it."

"I know."

Joker waited a second for Shepard to continue. When her lips remained firmly shut, he sighed. "I can't believe you're going to make me say this, but you know all he wanted was to be with you, Mrs. Alenko or not."

"I _know,_ Joker," Shepard responded in a voice close to a hiss.

"So why end it?" he asked again.

"Because I'm Commander Shepard: capital C, capital S" Shepard snapped. "I don't get Door Number One: a husband, two-point-four kids, and a dog. I don't get Door Number Two: retirement home on Elysium. I get Door Number Three: The galaxy's in trouble for the umpteenth time and I've got to save it."

She took a breath and continued. "I'm a Spectre. Spectres don't get happily-ever-afters, Joker. I can't just sit in my fancy house with a man I love very much while some nutjob is holding up a factory somewhere. It just doesn't work like that."

Theylapsed into silence, Shepard settling down after the fight left her and Joker turning his friend's words over in his head. Finally he spoke up, in no softer tone than before. "That's bullshit, Shepard. The Alliance, the Council, the News vids, _whoever _may have drilled that into you but that doesn't mean they're right. So what if you're the best? So what if you're making googly eyes at Alenko while somewhere, very far away in the galaxy, a couple of factory workers are in trouble."

"I don't make _googly eyes_—"

Joker shook his head and the words spilled out. "Behind one evil megalomaniac there's a hundred more. Behind one dedicated Spectre there's what, a couple hundred of you and more every year? The point is: the galaxy's problems aren't on your shoulders. Sure, you pulled us through the Reaper invasion when no one else would, but that's different. The galaxy functioned well enough before you and now that the Reapers aren't lurking on the fringes of space, the world will function again. Without you, if need be. The Council, the Brass, Cerberus, and well, anyone in authority doesn't want you to realize it because you've been doing their work for them. If you stop, someone's going to have to actually get off their lazy ass and do something."

Shepard chuckled softly.

Joker continued, softer this time. "If you want to roam the galaxy, righting wrongs, blowing shit up, indulging in kleptomania and stopping fanatical turians from ending all sapient life, then do it. If you want to marry Kaidan and pop out twelve insane biotic Shepard-Alenko juniors without ever picking up a gun again, then do it. If you want to take the middle road, that's good too. Just don't let the Council decide for you. You didn't sign anything when you became a Spectre. They don't own you."

Joker eyed Shepard intently to make sure she understood because sometimes Shepard _just didn't get it_ and no matter how many times you told her _drive cores do not work that way_ she just didn't understand very simple concepts. But she was smiling. A small, almost undetectable smile, but smiling nonetheless.

Joker cracked a grin himself. The grin widened when Shepard mumbled, "The middle road sounds pretty good."

"Good," he said with exaggerated exuberance. "Now, will you go call Alenko? He's trying so hard to be understanding it makes me hurt just looking at him."

Shepard smiled, a full grin this time, as she stood up. "Will do," she said and threw a datapad onto his lap. "Take that to Diplomat Fenkle, will you? He's by the Presidium Fountain."

She didn't wait for a response, simply turning around and walking away at a brisk pace. Joker stared at the datapad for a minute and tried to remember Diplomat Fenkle was. Finally the man's face reconciled with the name and Joker grimaced. "Ah, come on, Shep," he called out to her rapidly retreating back, "Don't make me talk to _him_! He still hasn't forgiven me for that toupee incident! Shepard!"

Joker swore under his breath and muttered, "We are so even for that "Getting You Killed" thing, Shepard."

With a deep sigh, he slowly rose to a vertical position and began to make his way to the Presidium Ring. Maybe if he was lucky, he'd find some star-struck FNG to pass the job off to.


End file.
